I resolve to fight.

I stoop down to pick up the piece of mail I had dropped from my full arms. My flowered summer dress wafts around my legs brightly in the long, dull hall.
Such a petty thing to be doing, the prim, little secretary picking up the mail, in her dry but secure job.

It struck me then just how humbled I felt and how unexpected this job is. I have a college degree in Spanish and I'm a receptionist? Getting mail for an office as one of my primary duties? Too easy. Not to be arrogant but I say that to preserve my self-confidence, my... potential. Am I settling? Sure, I'm learning stuff, but it's far from what I want to do long-term. Then again, I never expected to "have it made" right out of college, doing work that involves my passions perfectly. I wanted a variety of experiences in work, especially medically-related, and that's what I'm getting. However, in that moment, I was suddenly aware of reaching back to the floor when I'd rather be reaching above my head!

More than that, something about this stage of life, of such routine, has sucked up the artistic reflections I normally enjoy. I don't write in my journal like I used to, not even reaching for it to jot down the especially poignant ideas. I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. Without a piano where I live, musical musings waft away, unheard. Certainly, it's not the marriage aspect of my life that's done that--that part is great. But unlike my college days, busy though they were, this kind of work-life routine has taken much of my desire to do right-brained hobbies.

"Most men live lives of quiet desperation" wrote Thoreau. Picking up that dropped envelope made me feel that way. I've called that feeling other things as well-- a "dark force", for one. It tugs at my heart with nowhere to go; it stretches me out in a tight space. Know what I mean?

So I resolve to fight back. It's not that I don't have things to reflect on. It's not that I've stopped enjoying writing, art and music. I just need to fight to keep those hobbies that I find so fulfilling, and seek out what inspires me. That means more alone times outside. A set time to go to my parent's house to play my beloved piano and worship. Holding off dishes long enough to write down that intriguing thought. Whatever it is. In fact, I'm putting off grocery shopping right now so I can finally write this blog.

I simply refuse to be someone who gets so used to routine that hobbies are a thing of the past and work is the only thing to talk (or complain) about. I want to feel more "me" than I have been lately.

Do you?