Where are the people who say they want "community"? (You know, community being a thriving web of human connection in a common region.) What are they doing? There seem to be so many people saying they want it, then not showing up, not initiating events, never responding to requests, that I conclude they're all hanging out without me... or purposefully avoiding me... or...?
I truly enjoy people. I want to maintain as many friendships as my schedule allows me to. I realize this makes me an extrovert. But maybe I'm just an optimist, believing that no matter how small the gathering, someone there and I could hit it off great. I also feel that I can be a supportive, loyal friend-- there for you when you need it, but also knowing when to back off if you need space and life gets crazy. Yet I'll admit I can be scatterbrained at large parties, unsure where to focus, interrupting a storyteller just so someone else can tell a story too. I'm intense and opinionated, emotional, time-obsessed, and feel like the planet goes off kilter if plans change (I'm working on that one). I know I'm not perfect and I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I get it.
Let's be honest, it's been a particularly rough summer for me in this regard. I've hosted two backyard parties and two mom-baby meet ups, to sparse outcomes. With both mama meet ups, no one came. No one. That was really discouraging. I realize that connecting moms of babies is like herding cats, with those fickle eat/sleep/cry schedules. But then of the 12 people on the contact sheet, no one else bothers to head up another attempt. I contacted one gal who was particularly interested so we could coordinate one-on-one.... Nothing. Not even a reply this time. I realize there are real reasons for individual circumstances. But at what point do I see the number of flops like these and just stop trying? When do I conclude that it's my operator error?
I also realize friendships don't usually blossom under intense pressure for it to "work". That's why I cast my net wide, ask many, try many, let go of ways that don't work, and wait for better opportunities. But am I doomed to live in a town of desire and no action, tell and no show? Connections grow best organically, around common life stages and interests. This is hard for me right now because my 10-month-old baby doesn't exactly play soccer and introduce me to the parents of her teammates. I have to seek people out intentionally right now to see any people. I can't just join the local theater or or go out to a trivia night like I used to-- it takes planning and effort to have a life. This is made harder when my husband works long hours. Babysitters are great, by the way, and I happily pay them, but those really require advance notice!
I realize some people (this includes apparently everyone in Colorado) prefer to Go With the Flow and just drop in when it works for them. That sounds magical. Except they don't do that with me. Nor do they accept when I try last minute. If they even respond. Seems like I miss those spontaneous moments rather than "hit" them. I'm trying to increase our chances, not just send a hundred more arrows out of bounds. They argue that this is the easy way to live, and this loose grip on relationships means no one gets disappointed-- not in my case.
So is it all on my end? Have I not tried hard enough, in enough ways, with enough different people, often enough? Am I just not enjoyable to be around? These aren't rhetorical questions. I can handle honesty! I'm truly wondering if this is the case.
Or does everyone else have a community they're so satisfied with, that they want nothing more?
Is everyone an introvert and only needs their family plus one friend?
Is everyone actually too busy to have a social life?
Is everyone hanging out without me?
...Or are people kind of selfish and lazy? I'm serious. #sorrynotsorry. Here are some non-rhetorical questons for you, reader, to see how you're doing in this issue:
- In the last month, have you only asked those in your closest social circle to join in your typical life, such as for a hike, coffee, movie night or whatever?
- So far this summer, have you been invited to a party and thought/said you'd like to go, but never made a note of it and never made an honest attempt to make it happen?
- Have you ever thought of a fun group activity but avoided initiating it because you don't consider yourself "outgoing" or a "leader"?
- Do you love church small groups, but let fear/busyness/apathy prevent you from leading or hosting the next one?
- If you answered no to all the above questions and are also discouraged... Let's get together!
Maybe I'm just a loyal Midwesterner (I grew up in Wisconsin) with an annoyingly-strong need for friendships and some spare time to cultivate community, adrift in independent, laissez-faire Colorado-- if so, it's lonely here.
... Wanna go for a walk?
Ellen
