A college grad lives at home again. No job; no girlfriends her age. Pretty important life aspects, don't you think? Mind you, I have a loving and stable living environment, and I'm better in all ways for having gone to college. Similarly, the alarm clock still plays music and the alarm can go off... but only at 7:11am. Things could be worse... but we're both missing some important functions.
Feelings bubble to the surface, plus guilt for having them, but they're there all the same. So I have made a pact with these feelings: voice most of them, but don't give them total control of the stage once they're out. Often when I permit one, the direct opposite speaks up next. "Step up to the open mic, but leave time for the next, please." So here they are, fighting for the limelight:
I'm homesick. I deeply miss college life and the friends I had there. Then I feel guilty because I live at home, and I'm finally close to my best friend/fiance after a year of long distance. Believe me, this is great. But the human heart is quickly discontent again, so I feel... weak for admitting it.
Then again, no one will deny the worth of an honest friend who's not your fiance! Hearts crave it. And work-- doesn't Ecclesiastes say that work is good for a man? (See Ecc. 2:24.) Even if it's not a dream job, the structured days, the affirmation of usefulness and steady income--certainly those are nice.
Life now is a distinct shift from college. I expected to miss things... but it's been months now. Still no steady job and scattered interactions with friends at best. "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation," the Apostle Paul teaches (Philippians 4:12). I truly want to live that out. But peaceful trust in God during this odd season is hard when I feel like that alarm clock: functional but noticeably lacking.
Part of what's hard is that I liked the Me back in college: She was oh-so-deliberate, interesting, and successful. A's and awards are affirming accolades! In four years, I learned to thrive in that environment. Now it's something new, and survival mode is still kicking in... my timer seems to be broken. It's like entering a foreign country; suddenly your money means nothing in that context.
After college, I worked a great summer job, moved home and got engaged. Life is moving in a specific direction, to be sure. God, You have led me this far! (See last January's entry.) You still know what You are doing. That's my conclusive inconclusion.
However, I'm not sure what to do with my alarm clock. Do I keep it? iHomes aren't cheap and I love using my iPod to wake up. Do I replace it? Setting other times and volumes are essential to using it fully. Do I get it fixed? I can't do it myself, so I would have to send it in. Might be cheaper than replacing it.
I'm not sure what to do with me, either. Seek a context where my "currency" is valid? Do what feels like starting over, learning new skills? Keep trying here and waiting?
I'm aware that I'm not the only one asking these questions, especially in the current economy. People in all stages of life, college graduates to nearly-retirees, are in the same fix. All the more reason to trust God--my default in all uncertainty--because He sees all, knows all, and can do anything. "With God, all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26) In the meantime, I'll keep praying, love the people around me, and explore all my options... Wonder what I'll be writing about next year at this time!
Thoughtfully yours,
Ellen
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