A Think-Write.

A Think-Write for a couple of minutes.

I would time it but I don’t want to bother. I can’t remember what you call it when you write exactly what you're thinking for a set time but a Think-Write-So-It-Flows seems to work. I know what I’m talking about anyway.

I just read and looked through the college yearbook Grinnell College--1966. Did you know that they used to not offer credit for working on the publication of their very own yearbook? Crazy. Two of the student staff flunked or were put on academic probation just because their classwork suffered due to their hard work on this yearbook. Then it wasn’t approved by administrators, so it wasn’t published until 20 years later. 20 years! My host father gave it to me to read this evening and it’s made me thoughtful.

Black and white photos, every one. [The photos in this entry are mine.] Controversial because of stating opinion that wasn’t shared by faculty or administrators nor all of student body. Controversial because not everyone in the senior class is shown, and no head and shoulder shots are given. It is a roughly chronological, photographic-masterpiece of a year at Grinnell.

I don’t know anyone who has gone to Grinnell, but the college and town name are familiar to me. I’ve never seen the campus, but I wish I had, because then I could compare it to the photos I saw in this book. I’m sure lots of things have changed tremendously.

Controversy over boys and girls visiting each other after hours, etc. So much call for change, for the ability to change things… but in the end, the admins have the say and the money. They actually sent out letters to parents discouraging student drug use, student sex, etc.... but these pictures tell the (alleged) majority student opinion: Mary J isn’t so bad (my peers still say the same today! Does anything ever change?), couples are fact of life, and boys will always be the slackers compared to women, at least in big groups.

So all this subversive journalism and photography in a yearbook that was banned makes me think. Makes me wish that my peers and I were living for something that means something, in a political-academic-cultural way. I don’t mean the religion part right now, but I do mean the good humanitarian part. I’ve never even seen my university's yearbook—was there one?—but I’m sure it is nothing like this one and it looks nothing like what I knew of it. Granted, it’s hard to sum up for each student what they did and lived and felt in college. But still. Did the student government do anything? Did the student newspaper—high quality though it is—put an urge in me to stop sitting around and to think hard about what I’m doing with my life?

Oh, believe me there was plenty of drinking and lazing around pictured in those pages. But these were people who also felt deep in their gut that they wanted to mean something, and be able to cause change. Be able to cause change.

Yeah, that’s it.

Dramatic paragraph with [Enter Key] because this warrants it.

No wonder people don’t change things; no wonder because my peers don’t even know enough to change things. We have to know first that it’s possible! That if we have a cause that lights our fires; that we have a way to go about it. We are the students, after all, the ones who are the lifeblood of a university.

Sure makes me hate rich admins all the more. Sure makes me hate bigger and bigger classes each year, and those fundraising campaigns. What is that money for? I suddenly feel like I’ve been scammed. Like the university life is one expensive way to give more money to someone else than back to me, the one in need of a degree to do something with my life. What was the point of the liberal arts college experience—besides put me into debt and my many friends into much greater debt?

…Where was I going with this? I’m just kinda nostalgic and kinda upset. But I can’t pinpoint why or how exactly.

I wish I had tried to photograph the sunlight that filtered through trees into the piano practice room in the basement of Music Hall at my own university. That would have summed up much for me and my experience.

In fact, I wish I knew enough about photography to produce pics that I actually like… and not just of people or random snow scenes that don’t convey any emotion.

Why was that moment (or was it moments?) in Music Hall so crucial to me? Because it meant that I was thinking on life, becoming someone rich and deep, that I loved life and it’s natural beauty… that I was in tune with campus, not trying to escape from it, yet not in one of the commercial, “sellable” aspects of it.

I’m so glad I found a piano on campus. Ha, no, rather, pianos. Many quiet friends in protected basement rooms with beautiful, leaf-filtered sunlight for years to come.

“There are some things in life that money can’t buy,” comes the commercial motto of MasterCard. Or is it Visa? No, MasterCard. That’s what I’m feeling right now. Just what did my money (or rather, my parents’ money) buy when I signed up for roughly 4 years? And are those years in context of the rest of world history for me to reflect on later? Just as the Grinnell yearbook had many hints to the Vietnam War going on, I want my memories (which will apparently have to replace a yearbook since I never bought one and probably can’t justify the money to buy one now even if I could) to be in context. President Obama was elected, I remember that. Michael Jackson died. …Um…

Kirk went and came back from modern war in the Middle East. People came to Christ. Students died, from explained and unexplained causes. I learned that I know almost nothing about financial things and I am soon going to need a credit score in order to really make it in life… By the way, I think financial class should be required for freshman and/or seniors, ALL of them, at all colleges. Ha.

One last comment. Near the end of the yearbook, I thought it was very honest and realistic for the editors to write that graduates sleepily got through the commencement ceremony, said some goodbyes,and then “the class of ‘66 scattered.” How anti-climactic yet honest is that? “Scattered.” That’s exactly what we’ll do. Just like in high school, but even more, because we didn’t come from the same place in the first place. But how bitter. All that joy and change and boredom, and all those smirks and kisses and interesting lectures and pretty photos to capture it all… and they scatter. An unplanned force came together in 1966 to actually realize that something isn’t right and things need to change at Grinnell College, but things didn’t because they couldn’t and everyone leaves anyway because college isn’t a lasting thing. So we scatter.

That leads me to this thought: what am I going to do in this life? Yes, I want to encourage people toward Jesus. But I also want to improve this world practically, to show my respect for the good in it. I want to be a relevant, thinking Christian who made it through a 4-year, secular liberal arts college with a degree, and cares about the world around her because she cares about the scattered people around her. What am I going to do? What will my niche be? Or not one, but multiple seeds cast be?

For some reason, I think of the futility brought up by the song “Fix You”:

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

That’s about how I feel right now. That, and Ecclesiastes’ reminder (or is it a warning?):

“Nothing is new under the sun.”

Nothing is new. Grinnell Yearbook – 1966 taught me that. Not the pot smoking nor the liberal attitude felt by its users. Not the generational gap on moral/sexual beliefs and practices. Not the pocket-lining administrators who live in a different world than the students on their campus. Not the beauty of the experience of acting even though it's just an extracurricular activity, nor the desire to change things that’s common among publications crews. Those things aren't new.

Oh, ha. You know, the chorus lyrics say “Tears stream down on your face” but before reading the lyrics, I thought they said “It’s history there on your face.” I liked the latter better, and that makes more sense right now. It’s history, Grinnell, right on your face, finally published, and you can’t fix it. 

I can’t fix you…

but I’ll damn well try.

—Ellen—

“When you're too in love to let it go…
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth”

Life Skills: A checklist

This summer, part of my job helping with health clinics is asking Hispanics about their health history. Considering how the traditional Hispanic family works (close-knit, multi-generational homes), the "kids" of even 22 years old often have their parents present for this step. What's interesting is how annoyed I have been feeling because of how little the "kids" know themselves. They may even have children of their own, and they can't even remember when their last dental exam was! Not to judge or blame, I got inspired to examine my own life instead, and make a sort of checklist of the things that show that a person is a full-on grown-up or, rather, an independent adult.

So here are some "biggies" that I thought of, and where I am with them, whether that's "I Know This," "I'm in Process of Learning This," or "I Plan to Learn This Someday." Read on, and consider using as a tool to think about where you are with all of this!

1. I Know This (but can always improve)

• How to travel independently
• How to do devotionals
• How to apply for and keep a job
• How to lead/help in small ministry (Bible Study, Worship leading)
• How to cook and shop for groceries for myself
• How to manage friendships, whether single or dating
• How to succeed in education

2. In the Process

• How to choose a church
• How to do my taxes
• Negotiating personal agenda and family matters

3. To Learn

• Car & bike upkeep
• How to search for a place to live (since I always lived in university housing in college)
• Taking control of my personal health history (family risk factors, vaccination records)
• How my health and car insurance work and how they'll change in the future
• The experience of owning a credit card and using it well
• How to budget with a full time income

Ideas for Personal Growth

I was recently looking into overseas mission opportunities, and I found a page about ways to prepare before leaving home for a few months or longer. But as I read the following bullet points, it occurred to me that these are good ideas for someone who merely looking into mission work, not just those who are certain they want to go. In fact, I'd say these are good things for any Christian to do, even if you're not planning on going anywhere! Read on...

"Preparing Personally

• Develop relationships that allow for deep levels of sharing and sincere accountability.
• Strengthen your ministry and leadership skills through involvement with your local church.
• If you are single, assess your contentment with singleness. Develop friendships that provide companionship and encouragement.

Preparing Culturally

• Develop international friendships, right where you are.
• Read missionary biographies and stories.
• Develop relationships with missionaries on the field. Get to know them as people while you become involved with their prayer needs and support.

Preparing Financially

• Move toward becoming debt-free.
• Begin to simplify your lifestyle and possessions."

(from http://www.worldventure.com/Serve/How-do-I-get-started/Qualifications/preperation.html)

So here's to trying to peer a little into what my very uncertain future might look like, while striving to be content right where I am too,
Ellen P. 
aka The Post Grad 

Outside/Inside: oh irony.

I stand on the sidewalk.
Outside: sunny, summer day. Blooming flowers. Cars drive by. Bikers ride by. Dogs bark. Life is pretty normal for a small town.
Meanwhile, there is another reality on the other side of the house's door.
Inside: a woman lays on her bed, dying of cancer. Shades drawn. Dim light. Hushed tones. Heavy air. Her husband lays beside her to comfort her. A typical picture for this household for the last couple weeks.
All this not 30 feet from where I stand. And the outside world has no idea. The house's exterior certainly shows no sign of the sadness it contains: cheery paint, energetic dogs in the back yard, green grass...

I suppose this happens all the time, great sadness and life-as-normal pushed together, side by side, separated by a thin wall, if even that. In fact, I know it happens all the time. But exiting that house after my mom visited her dying friend for yet another time, the abrupt change really hit me: inside/outside, dark/bright, quiet/normal, sad/unaware...

I guess I just say this to point out how little we know: I walk down a street and have no idea that inside one house may reside grief, dark and heavy, while inside the next, new joy awakens. This certainly is the case with people's hearts too: Passing by a person, her expressionless exterior may hide a broken heart, or it may hide a peaceful one. Just a couple feet away...
It's all life, I guess. It just seems particularly ironic, and a little tragic.

--Ellen P.

At the University of Future...

Journal Entry
Date: April 5, 1711

I always knew that the robo-students at this University of Future were particularly strange, but now I've figured it out: it's the source of their energy. Every student has access to electronic panels and they charge their energy through their hands, feverishly tapping their fingertips on keys or resting their right palm on a sliding piece attached to this panel. Most students have a personal panel and do this in the privacy of their rooms, but other bring them portable screens to class and other locations with them. Even the local library holds many books, exactly of the type that I am familiar with, but many students can't even make it to the lower or upper levels of the library to rooms with those books unless they first stop at a screen to soak up energy. These students must not have a interior generator to recharge their energy on their own. And around campus, many have cords going into their ears, so this must be another way of charging when they cannot be at their primary energy panel.

Their lifestyle must be particularly tiring for the need for all this recharging, and I think I have also identified the main source of their fatigue: the dream-state. You see, every robo-student is recommended to get about 7 hours of dream-state every night, but it must be a rather dreadful experience for them, considering how they avoid it. Some stay attached to their panels for hours before pulling themselves away to face the work of dream-state, others put powerful liquids into themselves to avoid it as long as possible. I can only imagine what this dream-state must be like to cause them to go to such extremes.

Yet not all robo-students are like this. I have seen some, though rare, students go for one day or several without attachment to electronic panels. This happens more often when they are not attending classes, but not always. Some even claim that this experience is good for them, and indeed at times they seem more refreshed from their dream-state work than their energy transfer at the electronic panels.
Either way, what a strange life.

As for me, I think it's time to sleep.
--Ellen